Africa didn’t make decisions for me, solve all my problems, or turn me into Mother Teresa.

I came here with no presumptions, or so I thought.

As I boarded the plane from London to Entebbe, I thought “Here we go, I have no idea what the next four months will look like, but I am excited for it!” And in a very real sense, I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea where I was sleeping that night, how long we were staying in Gulu, if the kids were coming to the land, how I would be occupying my days. But I certainly had an idea of the person I would emerge as after all said and done.

I left for this trip very unsure about a lot of things.

I bought a one-way plane ticket to Denver a few days before I left. My years of planning to go to nursing school in Hawaii were traded for a completely last-minute spontaneous decision to go to nursing school in Colorado.

After a year of singleness and contentment with the idea of being single forever, I started having coffee with a man who did not in any way fit into my plan or my idea of what a dateable man looked like. Thinking ‘okay, he really loves God, makes me think, and, really, it is probably good for me to socialize outside of my unvaried friend group. If nothing else it will be a good social experiment’, I accidentally fell in love.

My heart has always been tugged in the direction of the third-world. Reading about and seeing documentaries filled with crushing stories of child prostitutes and soldiers, women tricked into selling their bodies, maternal mortality rates, and endless cycles of poverty made me furious. I had a firm idea that I wanted to spend my life in the midst of it all, fighting for God’s children.

In short, I thought four months in Africa would resolve all these issues. I would decide if the move to Colorado was the right one or I would come to my senses and stay home, I would have an epiphany whether I was meant for a life of celibacy or marriage, if I was meant for a life in the third world or the first.

More than all of this, I thought I would lose all sense of self here. I thought I would care about nothing but the orphans I was working with. I thought every bit of me that was greedy and unkind and preoccupied with self would die off.

Well, none of that happened. At least not in the way I thought.

I read through the New Testament while here, and one of the first books I read was James, which holds this jem: Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit."
Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that."

If the Lord wills, I am moving to Colorado, because it is a sound, smart decision. School will be cheaper, I’ll get done quicker, the program is better, and it will force me out of my comfort zone. A big thing we discussed between our group was the will of God, how it works, how to decipher it. Your pray through things, you get holy and happy in Jesus, and you live life, is the conclusion we more or less arrived at.

I have the love of a seriously amazing man. And if the Lord wills, I will continue to have his love. After much turmoil, I found peace in the knowledge that God holds my future, so I don’t need to worry about it, or try to make plans concerning it.

After months of playing with, teaching, and being the nurse to 67 orphans, I can tell you whole-heartedly I am in love with them. I cannot comprehend parent’s love for their children after learning how much my heart can burst for these kids. I like living in a grass hut, they are cool and simple, besides the dirt, I would prefer one to a house. Bucket showers are nice too, doing my own laundry by hand and eating the same thing twice a day has taught me appreciate things a lot more, and how little I need to survive and be happy. I am certainly not as well nourished or presentable as I am in the states, but I am healthy and joyful. I could live this way forever, and if the Lord wills, I shall. My fierce and unyielding desire to live in the third world is gone. I feel as though my hands have released the tight grip on my future. I have at last found trust that God really does love, protect, and want good for me. So with a deep breath (I have been taking a lot of those lately), I continue living for today, and see what tomorrow holds.

I am still flawed, selfish, and inconsiderate. I still put myself above others and care how I feel/look/am treated. I have trouble emerging from bed at night to but a band aid on Gladys or a hot pack on Justine because I want to sleep. I still have trouble resisting rolling my eyes, making a sassy comment, or writing people off when I am offended. I am still a mess, But perhaps slightly less of one, or maybe just more in awe and utterly thankful that I am forgiven of it all.

I also learned some unexpected things along the way….

That nursing isn’t just a means to an end (midwifery). I really love it!
Attitude can make or break your day.
To love people and be kind to them without any hope of kindness returned.
How to forgive, really forgive.
How to be joyful despite being ignored and overlooked.
To be still and know.
To be content in relationship with God alone. That he really is my light, salvation, refuge, and an ever-present help.
The value of memorizing scripture.
I always thought I would work primarily with women, but I have found that my favorite people here are twelve year old boys. Every single person is worthy of value, attention, and love, even the male sex.
How endlessly weak, selfish, and sinful I am, and how good and endless God’s grace is. The more I learn to walk in it the easier it is to live in the light.

I write this on Thanksgiving, which I feel is entirely appropriate.
The people I have met here have certainly taught me a lot about gratitude.
To close this, I will tell you, dear readers, a few things I am thankful for on this fine day.

The ability to wake up every morning and run and breathe and sing and dance.
My giant family of friends that I can pray, laugh, and live life with.
Music and sunsets and birth and everything else that fills me with wonder and awe.
The shade that trees offer, the breeze that cools the day, and Remi splashing water on me from his bucket tub.
For Fred’s crazy faces and Norman’s old man voice and Clinton’s hugs.
For my favorite walking, picnic, and dancing partner, head-kiss giver and pastry chef, Jeronimo.
I am thankful for Jesus. His love, grace, and beauty that makes life so amazing and that I have become increasingly aware of.

See you soon,
Suz